My life revolves around the girls.

I was much more ambitious before becoming a mum. But ever since, I have very minimal time for other goals or even people. Or, shall I just say that my goal now is to ensuring the girls be healthy and grow up to be a happy and fully functioning people? Even if I had time, I rather laze around or find something meaningful to do (within the home compound) or indirectly doing ‘something for them’ (which makes me happy).

Then what do I want to do when they grow up? While there may be many things that I want to do for myself, the utmost important thing is to making sure I am healthy and not becoming a burden to my girls – physically, monetary and emotionally too. (The Aunty that swims at our condo pool – has kinda inspired me or should I say we have the same kind of thoughts, as tells me what her daily goals are now).

Many see that I am a good mum and probably a good wife too. Because that’s my only daily achievement – to be a better mum and wife on a daily basis.

Sadly, I would admit that I will never be a good daughter or even a daughter in law. But I told myself everyone has flaws and do not have to be perfect. I don’t want to stress myself to be any better than a good mum and wife. And that it is OK! (People are open to judge me, but this is a good read if you have the time: https://tinybuddha.com/blog/what-my-parents-did-to-me-and-why-i-cut-them-out-of-my-life/)

>> sorry for the emo post, but it is the ‘season’ again I feel down….😔😔😔

Be ‘sincere’ in my friendship with you

I am not a perfect person but I will try to compromise each others’ weaknesses. I do give people some benefit of doubt. I give ‘many’ chances. Nevertheless, there’s a limit to this. I prefer being upfront rather than doing hanky-panky stuff behind my back.

I know: there are people who make up stories /telling white lies in order to get my attention, there are people who give excuses because they don’t know how to be truthful (probably fear hurting my feelings), there are people who hide the truth of themselves in order to look perfect to me, and etc. Sadly, this won’t make our relation/friendship go further – instead it would probably drift away.

Be sincere in my ‘friendship’ with YOU; and that’s the only thing I ask for. I may sound like a joker at times but in every way I am very serious in friendship!

2018 is not a year of friendship to me; in fact, some have been delisted. Don’t be the next! (This is not a warning laaaa)

Pandan coconut 🥥 ogura cake! 😁😁

I could have gave up on trying different types of ogura cake when the subsequent butterfly flower pea ogura cake cracked after the first perfect honey ogura cake. Fortunately I didn’t! And after the shrinking banana ogura cake, now we have a rather perfect pandan coconut ogura cake! 😆 It didn’t shrink and taste well; again a little wet but I personally love the soft texture!

Even if my kids are not bored with just one flavour of ogura cake, I think sooner or later I would be bored with baking just the honey ogura cake! I won’t want to be ‘stuck’ with just one ogura cake – and named myself a ‘good’ baker! In fact, I don’t want to just bake only bread or only ogura cake! I have many more aims- I actually wanna try Swiss roll for some time and lately itch to make layer cake (after getting tips from papa Zac)!

This is just like life – we seek for continuous improvement! I may just be a homemaker (for now) – there are many (different) things that I try to do on a daily basis – so that my ‘otak tak karat’! 🤭 Plus keeping myself busy can make me stay away from negativities!

Credit recipe to Vanessa Lau

Credit KNS for the tips on getting thicker pandan extract

Credit my hubby for his popia (today) that uplifted my mood😜 (story he and I only understand 😂)- hence the success!🤣

Credit my three kids for not disturbing me at all in the kitchen when I was baking today

✌🏻✌🏻✌🏻✌🏻✌🏻

When people are sensitive

I question myself – my hubby is stressed up, working day and night thinking about the million ringgit budget for the company and do I have to be so stressed up because of a ‘punctuation mark’!

In short: i used to work in a writing industry where there are house rules on writing. I didnt know that casual text msg has house rules too😅😅 that a simple (or to be specific, 3) exclamation marks actually offended someone. 🙊🙈then came all the “accusations”!

Like it or not, I did replied after all:

<Sorry, I didn’t know the use of exclamation marks can be so sensitive. I would look into it next time. I don’t have time to talk about what’s going on in your mind as I don’t even have time for myself. So sorry if I hurt you.>

While i tell myself ignore or dont bother, i am purely disturbed. I am losing sleep. And try to divert myself as much as possible….i think like i mention before it takes time for the feeling to taper off….haiz…today is just second day. It will get better soon…

Get back to focus my dear self >> your three cutie pies!

Pain will taper off

Some of us hide our pain so that we don’t hurt anyone but end up hurting ourselves. Some talk to trustable peers. Some just emo by spreading unnecessary ‘gossips’! Which group are you?

But a reminder – First day of ‘pain’ is always the hardest. Next few days still ‘painful’! Next one or two weeks still slightly ‘painful’! But eventually the ‘pain’ will just taper off! While it may leave a scar, the ‘pain’ will not be perpetual!

Be grateful for what we have !

– – –

I had one of the best two months in May and June 2018 – because we had many off days (election fever, HK trip and then Noelle’s Raya and semester break)! But I had to admit they were also one of my most down time – which I basically ignored almost everyone – even with the closest friends! I just wanted to stay focus with the kids (and hubby) to reduce my ‘pain’! I was also finding ‘faults’ with everyone! I shouldn’t blame the ‘pain’ solely but also take responsibility for the down moments – if I could have spoken out to someone about the issue! I wanted to see what I observed was true enough to my analysis and take charge of my own emotions.

But after my ‘confession’ yesterday – it is truly done! I feel much relief today and at peace! I don’t know how long this will last – as this tends to repeat ‘few times’ in a year despite the fact that I always move on. (I am not sure how this cord can be cut completely, seriously.)

Believe your sixth sensei

Not everyone (even closely related ones) comes with a sincere heart. They might do things to infuriate you. It is best to ignore these people because they could be doing this to catch your attention or worse, to provoke your reaction.

Maturity is when you keep your mouth shut even though you want to say something mean to someone. It isn’t a product of growing older, it’s a product of growing wiser! You are always responsible for how you act, no matter how you feel.

#foodforthought

Most of the time, I know some people (too free) just want to provoke ill feelings. Let them be. Old dogs don’t learn new tricks. Sarcastically saying, let them bring their ‘self righteous’ or ‘fake joy’ to their death bed!

**too free – forwarding nonsense messages with WhatsApps (treating like email forwarding); pretentious to ask for recipe – kononnya ‘ownself like’ but for the ‘special’ loved one (not being truthful); want to show off how ‘lovely and caring’ they are on social media (people who don’t even bother about doing things with their kids in the past but rather spend time with their siblings – now so into their grandkids? Regret?)- fake; not knowing the actual reason people not responding to their messages and end up calling people ‘selfish’ (not everyone so FREE like the ‘unselfish’ ones, ok?); day and night sitting looking at the facebook – giving ‘likes’ on every status and photos without knowing the reason of the posts

– sorry I am not a perfect person; I have my past and pain too –

It takes both hands to clap

Marriage is ‘pretty’ if both individuals play their roles! It is a union of two parties to form a whole new entity call ‘family’! This is YOUR family that you have to give utmost priority on both sunny and rainy days; tirelessly! Because it is THE vow that you took together! (To many, this could be the ONLY vow that you took in life!)

On the side:

It is pretty sad if a marriage is broken up because of third parties especially in laws.

No one is perfect

Just saying:

I have “sacrificed” my career for the kids, my sanity is at my kids’ hands, I don’t totally have my own time, when kids are sleeping/napping i am running around to cook or do housechores, i could only speak to my friends virtually (with some occasional visit and with presence of my kids), I try to do as much as possible to lighten my hubby’s burden.

I could simply say I have done my duty as a mama and wife.

But sorry, I really could not put my feet down to be a good daughter in law. No one in this world is perfect and so am I. This would be my second year missing reunion dinner with the in laws. It is not personal with my parents in law but I don’t want the 2 hours drama usually caused by the others affecting my 365 days. I don’t want my young kids to witness and pick up characters in the drama. As a mother of 3 girls, I want them to learn the importance of people (despite hierarchy/status) respecting them (respect is two ways). (I have actuaĺly gone through more than 10 years of reunion dinner with them even before marriage – nothing has changed and how many more 10 years I have)

I am happy enough that my hubby doesn’t force me to go through the ordeal. I will be staying home with my girls and he will attend alone. We will only visit PIL on CNY day 1. Actually my hubby even apologised that he can’t afford to bring us for a holiday during this CNY to avoid or getaway from the usual yearly routine which we talked about last year.

I take the ‘risk’ of one day my hubby leaving me because i can’t fulfill his duty of being filial. But having said that, there will be no regret as my marriage vows is to him and our offsprings – plus i have done what i ought to do.

I am not asking mummies here to follow what I do; but I certainly want to give HUGS to every mummy that need to go through the CNY eve and days reluctantly. Maybe….maybe…one day things will be different.

Happy Chinese New Year!

Please remove me from YOU

Time to rant – This is to jot down the reason I am silent this round:

– In early November, I decided to bring three kids along to YOUR house on a specific weekday ALONE – but there was an outright rejection without any reason (though you offered another day which we are not available). Then I found out it was YOUR precious grandchild birthday celebration in school (sorry I am not blind with all the taggings).

– It is NOT that YOU won’t be celebrating with YOUR precious – but it was three days continuously YOU are with THEM. So sparing us few hours (and not that I always request to come) also impossible? So, you expect me to spare my free time FOR you?

– On the day you rejected my offer to come, in the evening, YOU messaged about an emergency of your hubby entering emergency ward. And in few hours, another message saying that discharged! This is not first, twice or thrice but every few months YOU do that – until I am numb towards anything relate to him and you. Why do you like to play with MY feelings? YOUR message is always so drama that DEATH is so near and guess what – YOUR hubby was happily taking photos with the precious and being posted on facebook on the very next day!

– Each time when our relationship improves; YOUR precious son will start tagging you on fb – showing his jealously. It was too obvious!

– You bug for a visit after that. YOU don’t understand what is ‘annoying’ – for the continuous message and pretentious messages – like forwarding unrelated things to me; plus the pretentious to be ‘kind’ or ‘thoughtful’ to want go get me something – only again to bug me about a visit when I responded. This is truly ‘got prawn behind the stone’! And YOU don’t seem to understand my challenges handling three kids myself with my hubby being away most of the days!

YOU might have your own reason or I might not understand you; but this is what I have in mind! If YOU think I am hurting you, why on the first place YOU are hurting me? Thankfully, I made the action of moving away more than 10 years ago – or I will be stuck in YOUR game forever!

– sorry I am not a perfect person; I have my past and pain too –