Cutting ties with family members

There are so many articles and videos and people out there who so blatantly invalidate the experience of the one choosing to cut contact with parents and/or family. So few people who understand that it’s not a snap decision, it’s not because of ONE isolated incident, it’s not about attacking or punishing or blaming, it’s not about being ungrateful or immature, or any of the other accusations that get thrown about.

There are very valid reasons for choosing to estrange from one’s parents/families, and I feel this article did a good job of presenting an objective view of the situation.

People who understand, will understand…
People who don’t, will not….

Article: https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=pfbid02XGE4qGzT3zTFTL3FWFMekXJBFP4z8BFkpmYFS7Ko6WQLLsTaBo5EC2MRZ3Eks6gWl&id=1618058788&mibextid=uc01c0

Put ourselves first

We, parents, always ask our kids ‘are you having fun?’. Sadly, we often forget to ask the same question to ourselves.

What kind of consideration do we (especially mothers) give ourselves on most occasions? How many times have we looked back on a phase in our life and wished we had enjoyed it more?

It is time to STOP 🛑 doing things that cause unpleasant feelings to ourselves (even for ‘tradition’/ cultural reasons – rudely speaking, traditions are often peer pressures from the past. If we are ‘preserving’ something at the expense of our own happiness, is it actually worth doing?)

Don’t be bothered of people’s views. They can say whatever they want and we can’t stop them. Just do our best accordingly – for our own happiness and the kids.

We will miss nothing but gain more for putting ourselves first.

“In our happiest memory of our childhood memories, our parents were happy, too!” – Robert Breault

Goodbye 2021!

It’s the time of the year when most people wrap up THE year.

As I penned this down, I have to admit that in 2021, I’m emotional and exhausted. I feel like a bad mum because I am not enjoying responsibility. Most times, I feel I am exhausted from the cleaning, cooking and being needed. I’m tired of being asked questions. At times, I feel like I’m dying for a real break from life for being a mom, from being needed. I feel very alone (fortunately I never break any friendship this year). I’m easily flustered and frustrated. I don’t have much time to self-care and get to know myself. I focus on the girls and sometimes I get ignored by them. I feel under appreciated. I feel envy of people ‘enjoying life’ while riding ON the things I do. I am tired of people who think they did so much but much is just for themselves. But, I hope all these are JUST misconstructed feeling.

Gratefully, there are things and people who often pull me out. Thanks for remembering my kids and me when we don’t even stay connected on day/week/month to day/week/month basis.

As we end the year, I hope for a happier me. And you too!

Happy New Year!

…..

It’s 31 December and so it is also time to mark down their reading list! This is the third consecutive years we do it – reading aloud one book a day (at least).

This year, Noelle has clocked in 530 books for the year. There is a massive increase as she also started included reading aloud a BM story book a day as the year went by. In addition to that, she read at least 48 long story books (she only started recording this in June, imitating her papa).

Also in 2021, Nikki joined the ‘party’. She read aloud 336 books (this also mean we read THAT many books with her).

This is not a reading competition but to cultivate good reading habits.

Good job to the girls!

Norrah, are you joining next year? 🤣

Reading list:https://youtu.be/MKFB3n-hqr0

Positivism in the pandemic

Things that my kids taught me while in the pandemics:

• we don’t need a big physical house but a warm home to be happy
• we don’t necessarily have to travel around to enjoy ‘holiday’ but to just feel contented by pretend play holiday
• we don’t need luxurious food but only nutritious food to keep our body healthy and our tummy filled
• we don’t need indulgence to fill our boredom but activities to keep us occupied
• kids can still have a good childhood despite just staying at home
• we don’t need to add in more things in our life but to make use of things we already have
• we adjust our ‘lifestyle’ with the flow; we don’t have to be stagnant at just one decision/goal
• we reward ourselves occasionally to recognise our ‘achievements’, be it small or big
• we learn to manage anxiety in life and don’t suck up to a bad emotion
• while our world become physically smaller, our learning expands on a daily basis. I am happy to see all the little progress of the kids (be it the 4yo, 6yo or 9yo) on day-to-day

Most importantly, we are lucky to be still healthy and get to spend time together.

Release the burden

The month of October 2021 has been really the month of decluttering. It is not merely decluttering things that we no longer use; but also those ‘sentimental’ stuff – like given by some people. In the past, I have been holding these stuff because I felt ‘obligated’ to keep it – but after decluttering it, I do feel the ‘lightness’ (no more burden) of not having them anymore. In short, I feel – I don’t ‘owe’ anyone anything from those gifts.

For example, grandmother leaves kitchen utensils to the children. But the children just pass it on to the kids (meaning grandchildren). Some (grandchildren) may feel it a waste to throw and continue keeping it – although it may not be used at all. At the end, there’s lack of storage place and they can’t even buy new kitchen utensils that they want to own. But at the same time, the children (especially the wealthy ones) that passed down the items to the grandchildren – continue to buy utensils that they want without this burden.

I learn that the idea of inheriting ‘materials’ to our kids (or future generation) is just a BURDEN. This is to remind myself not to keep stuff that I think the kids may like but at the end it is just a burden. Living a minimalist life before we leave the world is one of the best things to do for our children.

You are important

Law of Attraction says the universe will give you more of what you keep thinking about.

And if you keep thinking over and over about your manipulative sister, your horrid mother-in-law, your addict brother’s latest violent behaviors, and so on, guess what, the universe will give you more of that crap from where that crap came from.

It sucks high heaven but that is how it is. That is the Law of Attraction.

So the first thing you might realise you can do is change your emotional state which is to remain calm and unaffected. For some people, it’s super hard because they have been so used to this toxic up and down behaviors for such a long, long, long time.

And then for the other side of the spectrum, you have people like me who can easily switch off and remain unaffected because I never had to live in this sort of environment. Seeing people stuck in an endless loop of unhappiness was something I wasn’t able to understand because my parents gave me massive amounts of autonomy and zero guilt trips. That is literally how normal childhood should be. This is how your children’s childhood should be because you and them deserve it.

It was when I started studying childhood psychology and really begin to pay attention to people around me that I finally saw what was and what is because paying attention works.

It’s almost holiday time and this is when it gets really bad for many people because you might have to face these yucky people but you know what? The power is not having to see them. You dont have to see them. You dont have to talk to them, you dont have to layan them, you dont have to do nada, zero, elek, kosong anything. Why do you have to? Because your manipulative mother goads you into attending a family event by calling you ungrateful and mean? No. No need. She’s projecting her ungrateful and mean behaviour onto you because she is mean and ungrateful. Not grateful for the child you are to her, the gift you are to your parents.

Codependent, innocent you.

If they cant see you for the joy you are, well, just let them suck it in their own pool of misery. You are an adult, you can finally zip your mouth and avoid the toxic plague. You have the car keys to drive away. You can literally, physically go away.

Go away.

Why not?

What’s sort of sorcery that is so strong that you can not cut the soul ties out?

It’s mind over matter.

Your mind matters.

Your mind must be brave enough to matter to you to finally say, that’s it. Say with me. “I am going to avoid any toxic and only appear when there’s no toxicity”. You gotta teach these people like how you teach kids. Reward them for good stuff. Pull away when they give you crap.

You, the adult, might realise, you no longer have to do anything you dislike. And then, your children see your empowered behavior and they too will start to learn to be empowered and not be victimized by people because truly, your children deserve better.

You are the kahuna of your universe. You deserve to focus on yourself. You are your No 1 in your life. And when you start to feel that, the Law Of Attraction will treat you so. That is the law. That is the Law of Attraction.

#copyandpaste

#JasminChoy

>>You are allowed to walk away from people who constantly hurt you (consciously and even unconsciously).

Your mental health matters most; especially when you have little ones who relies on your love.

Happy New Year!

Usually I speak about my kids; but I would love to list down some of my personal ‘achievements’ in 2019:

> On a daily basis – I have prepared recess box for Noelle and picked her up from school with the two girls tagging along. This is definitely a different ‘ball game’ compared to preschool.

> I have managed my anxiety (since Noelle started P1) and learn to let go by September. And I have given up drinking kefir by then.

> I have taken up Zumba as daily exercise (at home) after few sessions in Noelle’s school. My aim is to maintain a healthy lifestyle and taking good care of myself.

> I have learn how to make noodles (and still doing so on daily/weekly basis)! Not that I enjoy it, but my hubby bought the machine without my knowledge! 🙄

> I have been giving my kids (especially Noelle) more ‘philosophical’ talks in life. We share a lot with one another – more like friends than parent-kid. While I love them a lot, I do punish them when they misbehaved. But I have toned down a lot with Nikki.

> I have removed many toxic people from my facebook (and life) entirely. I think my social circle has also narrowed because I have become more selective on who becomes part of it. In fact, on a daily basis, I think the people who I talk to are only my kids! 🤭

> I continued to be self-reliant and manage most things myself during absence of my hubby (at work or during his social activities).

> In a span of 7 months of joining facebook online contests, I won about 35 giveaways!

I am more or less just like myself in the beginning of 2019; but I think I have become more ignorant (one eye and one ear close most of the time) but not ‘stupid 🙄. Moving forward in 2020, I hope I can be more courageous to do things that I really want to do!

Happy New Year 🥳 to all! 😘

Faded friendship ~

If one day you realise that we’ve drifted apart, it‘s because you pushed me away. And there are a number of reasons

1. You want to remain ‘private’ with your ‘personal’ things while nosing around mine.

2. You indirectly competing with me or using my kids as a gauge to your own kids.

3. You can’t accept the ‘progression’ (improvement) in me.

Friendship, even the best of them, are frail things.

Goodbye water kefir; hello a stronger me

I have a confession tonight.

I have hated alcohol since I am a kid because I grow up watching people ‘indulge’ in alcohol/cough syrup/medicine to sleep. However, I have became relied on it since early this year when Noelle started her primary school because of anxiety (and also because of some personal issue). In the name of healthy drink, I relied on the alcohol from water kefir (because I get drunk easily). It is not just one or two glasses of kefir that I drink on a nightly basis, but half bottle to a bottle (750ml). So I basically went to bed ‘drunk’; to find myself waking up at wee hours on some nights to visit the kitchen and get another glass of kefir as I had insomnia. One day passes another, it became weeks and then months…a total of 8 months!

In September, I decided to put a full stop on this! This coincide with our trip to Phuket and that was also when I have no access to kefir and stopped making it all together. I don’t want my kids to see me ‘drunk’ and hope to erase this 8 months of memories from them. Also, I realized that the excessive consumption of water kefir has made me put on weight (it basically made up of sugar)

As I stopped it, I manage my anxiety better. I try to be ignorant with many things and in fact people. Some may think I am so ‘unkind’ and ‘unforgiving’ by eliminating certain people from my life – but I have achieve the peace without them. It is for my own sanity. I do happy things, keep myself occupied, stay positive and I try to love myself more. And with blessings, some good things fell upon me. I am in fact less tired (especially during the day) since stop relying on this so called ‘alcohol’.

I thank myself for taking the courage to do so! I shall continue to strive to be a better person.

Good read:

https://www.facebook.com/theultimatemomchallenge/photos/a.521841521323947/1362518383922919?type=3&sfns=mo

Lesson on friendship

Actually, I am pretty ‘bad’ at friendship! 🙄🙄 but my advice to Noelle has always been ‘be a friend, when you want a friend’!

As far as I am concerned, she has been a ‘good’ friend (even to the extent of being ‘bullied’🙄).

Well, even though I don’t really like W for what she does to Noelle, I have not stopped her from befriending W (though I secretly wish she would😝). I kept reminding myself how ‘hurtful’ it is that a mum calls a friend names (I am bad ok? Sometimes I forgotten and my hubby reminds me not to.) So, I have not interfered her friendship with W. In fact, yesterday during the school carnival, unexpectedly I spoke to W’s mum – not about our kids -but just regarding our class sales. Both hubby and Quinnie were surprised too that I spoken to W’s mum. (Actually that was my first time talking to her as hubby has been liaising with her so far. We did bump into each other during sports day and once when I picked Noelle but I haven’t communicated with her!)

There was one day she came home telling me that she and C supposed to make card for each other. Noelle took it seriously and made one, handed to C but C actually forgotten about it (it reminded me of some childhood trip when someone promised to wake up early to do something but it ended up I woke up alone myself – and the person that made that promise just slept through🙄 – I was so naive those days). Also, someday when we made bookmark origami at home, Noelle made for her friends too including W. Noelle also often tell me how she misses sitting with A (since her teacher moved her to the back of the class) – because her new group consists mostly boys and they create a lot of noise.🙄

I do tell Noelle that ‘it is okay to be alone. Cos sometimes being alone allows us the free mind to do something’. So at times, she goes to the library herself.

Last week, C has been missing from school. First day and second day – she told me probably C is sick. After third day – ‘maybe C went holiday already!’ 🙄🙄

Yesterday C was at the school carnival. Upon bumping into C and her mum, I asked C’s mum if C is ok as Noelle was telling me that C didn’t come to school for few days. I even told her mum that Noelle was guessing if they went holiday. C’s mum said that C was having bad flu and fever over the last few days. She even told Noelle directly that C will be back on Monday and they didn’t go holiday. (Very nice of C’s mum)

Noelle straight way asked ‘C, do you want to play bouncy castle?’ in front of C’s mum without fear. I was pretty surprised (and proud) that Noelle did that – because in the past, if she wanted, she would ask me to ask on behalf. C’s mum being polite told Noelle that she can go ahead first and C will join later.

But at the end C didn’t join us. We actually forgotten about it (even Noelle😆).

Upon arriving home, I actually received a message:

“Hello Noelle’s mummy, this is C’s mom. Please do tell Noelle, C couldn’t join her at the bouncy castle because she wasn’t feeling well and we had to leave shortly. She wanted but she couldn’t. C felt bad as she couldn’t play. Tq ya.”

😁😁😁😁

It was a pretty thoughtful message.

Noelle did bring me friendships in the past. I don’t know about the future and I don’t dare to think about it actually! 😆 Even THAT kns once told me before that it is actually ‘hard’ to be friends with our kids’ classmates’ parents – which I think it is true.

But I just wish Noelle can find her true friends (during her school days which she bring it to adulthood). 🥰🥰 In the past, I have been deciding for her – through play dates (mostly boys 😆 In the year, her close friends are mostly girls.)

– –

It was Noelle’s school carnival aka canteen day in her primary school. She invited her childhood friend EZ to the event. They had fun and I had some experience packing nasi kerabu and nasi dagang.

My first packet of nasi kerabu for one parent – full of condiments, which include nasi dagang’s condiments 🤭🤣 because I didn’t know what’s the difference. I wasn’t properly trained because the parent-in-charge said ‘it was ok’ when I asked her if she needs to teach me ‘how to’ 🙄 but then she was talking when someone ordered.

I just stand there like ‘bodoh’ 🙄🙄 most of the time. Only helped put in coupons into the box, pack into plastic bag, helped hold the rice as the lady put on the condiments and scoop rice.

Happy that one person just walked over and said he wanted to buy our popiah! 🤣 – like my first business.

I didn’t do much ‘sales and promotion’ at the stall – not my cup of tea 🤭🙄😆 only asked Quinnie (who came with EZ) if she wanted to buy 🥺🥺 🤣🤣 ‘thank you for buying one nasi dagang and nasi kerabu each!’ 😂😂😂 – so my second official business! 🤭 and the third official business, use my own pocket money buy for myself 😆

Pictures from school carnival: https://photos.app.goo.gl/DgjjTPqa9HrfVcFM8